How many times have we waited for an author to release a book only to find out said book won’t be released for another several months, sometimes even years? How many times have we been in the middle of that scene (you know which one I’m talking about!) and the battery on our phone/reading device has died? How many hours have we sat motionless in the dark, huddled beneath our blankets, turning each page in hopes of seeing Jane and Joe finally get their happily ever after, only … cliffhanger?
God, why are authors so cruel? And before you say it, I know there are those of you reading this right now and thinking: Uh, hello Ms. Kettle. Can I introduce you to Mr. Pot? But it’s not the same! It’s not. Stop looking at me like that.
The problem here isn’t that authors are just mean. Most of the authors I know are also readers so I’m pretty sure they suffer right along with the rest of us. The problem here is that non-reader people don’t understand how we suffer. Sure, we look calm and peaceful sitting under a tree in the park on a beautiful summer afternoon with our book open inches from our noses. Oh, but the pain we are feeling deep in our soul … it can never be put into words. Not only are we being forced to endure unimaginable heartache, but our ass is probably asleep, along with our leg and we might have been pooped on by a bird at some point. But we endure, because shit is going down and nothing short of decomposition will get us to stop reading. So here is a list of some of the things we have to deal with.
1) Getting judged for downloading a book and then buying the paperback as a backup.
I know I’m not the only one who does this. It’s a well known fear amongst all readers. What if the battery dies and you’re number three thousand at the doctors? What if the world ends and there’s no electricity?! Hello! #RealFearPeople #ThisIsNotADrill
2) Finishing a book and realizing the last twenty pages is from the next book that doesn’t come out for another year and struggling not to cry in public.
This is never cool. That feeling … it’s like missing a step going down a flight of stairs. It’s a horrible, crippling and sometimes soul wrenching feeling. #NoImNotCrying #ShutUp
3) When you threaten a friend because you’re reading a book and they’ve already seen the movie before you then proceeds to tell you EVERYTHING that happened.
The gif says it all. #EvilCrazyFace
4) When you lose your shit in the middle of a food court because your ‘friends’ decide to discuss the end of the book you’re reading.
Under no circumstances is this ever okay. This is in the friend handbook, right between never stealing boyfriends and sharing underwear. It’s just wrong. #FriendshipBreaker #WillPeeInYourCoffee
5) “But you said one more page six hours ago!”
It may have been six hours ago in your world, but in mine, Jane and Joe have only just shared their first kiss, the bad guy is making his move and I’m about to lose my ever loving mind. So shut up and leave me alone for one more page! #IAcknowledgeMyWeakness #IAcceptMyWeakness #IOwnMyWeakness
So, in temporary conclusion, I would just like to say that we readers are not crazy. It is not our fault that we are reduced to zombies shuffling through life, sniffing out the scent of new books. It is not our fault that fiction is better than reality. Just accept and love us and occasionally throw us chocolates to soothe the wounds left behind by yet another character. In return, we will not bite you.