AIRICKA PHOENIX

In all my years of existence, never have I ever stepped on anything as gross, slippery or slimy as a slug, and today, I have accomplished just that.

Today was a rainy day, and by rainy, I mean pouring like the ocean opening up in the sky and just plummeting. So, it was a messy, cold, wet day, which explains the little vermin making home on my front porch.

My dog, as lovely and wonderful as he is, is one too many spoons short of a full set. So when I told him to sit and stay while I went to retrieve his outside tether, he bolted like a wild stallion being shown freedom (and let me tell you right now, I do not do rain!). I took the top of the stairs, telling him to come here so I can tie him up to the railing of the house. He listened (cookies for him!), but he nearly bowled me over in the process. I staggered back, and that’s when it happened!

Let me stop here and point out that I never in my wildest dreams thought that a slug could make a sound when stepped upon so imagine my absolute horror and disgust when the little beast actually crunched!

Being a mom of two boys, I’ve seen more than my share of slugs, spiders… snakes, brought into the house. Each one was just as quickly sent straight back out, but never did I let myself wig-out the way I did on the porch at that moment. My poor, clueless husband comes barreling downstairs, searching for the cause of my moaning, whimpering and retching. The lovely dear even held me up while I stuffed one foot under the bathroom sink.

The loveliness ceased there. The cad actually had the nerve to laugh, small laughs, little chortles, carefully disguised as coughs, but I was on to him! Let me tell you, my friends, it is damn near impossible to wash slug juice off ones foot! Add slug guts to the mix and you have yourself a real cocktail party.

Now, all this time, my dog is still outside, happy as can be in the downpour. He’d found a certain spot in the corner where another dog had rudely stuck claim, but he righted that fast enough. Me, freshly washed and infested with gooseflesh, armed my vulnerable feet with socks and husband’s shoes (no, that was not an accident or for comfort!) and set out to bring him inside. This time, I turned the porch lights on, and good thing.

The porch was infested! There were more than two dozen little, black fends clustered all over. It was a miracle that I only smushed one!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am a big lover of all things nature. I love hiking, gardening and frolicking with the kids in the park, camping and what have you. But I draw the line at venturing out when I am surrounded by anything that creeps, crawls, slithers or scampers. Besides, The Husband thought it was a grand ol’ thing, being my knight in shining armor, braving the grotesque creatures to fetch the dog.

But on the bright side, the boys will have a ball in the morning getting the porch slug-free for mommy.