AIRICKA PHOENIX

It’s four AM on a Friday and you wake up drenched in cold sweat. Your heart is racing and all you can think is WTF? Because your dreams had been about running naked through a candyland of hot men (or women. I don’t judge) and chocolate. You’re actually kind of pissed about being taken away from that, but now you have to pee so you get out of bed.The hallway is dark and sinister in a way that you know won’t be there come morning. You avoid that creaky floorboard on your way to the bathroom (last thing you want is to wake up the children). Relieved, you wander your way to the kitchen, because now you want chocolate (or water, whatever floats your boat).That’s when you see it. The moving truck. It’s parked next door. At four in the morning. And shit is being unloaded. WTF?! Who moves into a house at that hour? Maybe criminals. Shut ins. Perverts. All the above? But what you don’t realize is that your new neighbors are … vampires!

It’s okay! Calm down. We here in Airicka Land have a solution to your problem. We will show you how to keep all that delicious blood in your body (minus that one week a month, which we’re working on).

 

Step 1

The best way to know if your neighbor really is a vampire or just some dude who likes his steaks really rare (like still with a pulse rare), you need to test your theory. Spray on some garlic perfume, make a garlic casserole and skip on over to say howdy. If they don’t recoil, odds are…
A) resistant to garlic (see Vampire Diaries)
B) Not a vampire.

Step 2

Now the thing you will want to avoid at all cost is walking by his house during THAT time of the month. Honestly, I could never figure out how ‘teenage’ vampires could go to school with all those PMS’ing girls and not flip their shit. It’s like an all you can eat buffet, especially when you’re gorgeous and girls practically throwing their tamp…I mean themselves at you.

Step 3

The thing to remember is that vampires are secretive. It’s not easy being dead and alive. It draws attention if you stay in one place for too long. You get old busybodies asking where you get your wrinkle cream from and that becomes a problem. So step three is … never confront a vampire in the middle of the woods.

Step 4

There are many different types of vampires. Some eat bunnies. Some eat mountain lions. Some eat cheerleaders. But the bottom line is that they all eat. Oh, and they like blood. But it’s always good to identify the threat. So, here is a diagram of vampire fangs (This is not a full list so use caution). Some vampires have blunt teeth (see Twilight).

Step 5

If all else fails, date them. They’re immortal, strong, fast and some of them even sparkle so you KNOW–if you’re like me and get easily distracted by shiny things–they will easily keep your attention. Just throw back a bit of Vampire Love Potion #13 and let him take a nibble of your pretty neck. Then, you too will have an epic Vampire/Human love fest.

Here are a few other happy customers who found love in all the nightly places.

Here are a few that even got TWO!

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So you see? There is hope for your survival. Now remember that just because your next door neighbor is extremely sexy, walks around topless and (quite possibly) sparkles, does not mean he’s a vampire. Odds are, he’s a circus performer, or just likes to throw on a little glitter now and again. But the point is to follow the steps, use caution and if all else fails (yes I love that word), bake him some blood brownies.Thank you for joining me for this week’s Sunday Giggles (#SundayGiggles). I hope you enjoyed yourself and that I was able to make the end of a weekend a little less painful for you. If you liked, please share and drop me a comment. Let me know if you liked this post, hated it, want more, want less, etc. Also, if you have a suggestion, hit me with it. I love new and fresh ideas so, lay it on me.

Thank you for dropping by and have a kick ass week!

Love Always,
Airicka <3

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